Managing Feelings Of Guilt
In this article, our friends at Sibs explore the feelings of guilt commonly experienced by neurodiverse families and the strategies you can use to overcome them.
Feeling Guilty
Many parents can relate to feeling guilty about not being able to spend enough time with each child. Whether it's missing out on a fun plan due to an unexpected appointment or not attending a school event, it's common for parents to focus on what they can't do rather than what they can. However, it's important to remember that children value any amount of time spent with a parent, no matter how brief.
The small things
A regular five-minute chat before bedtime, a fixed arrangement for a cup of hot chocolate and a cookie after school once a week, or a 10 minute catch up on the journey to school can help a sibling feel valued, seen and heard.
Embracing opportunities
Siblings also tell us that they feel guilty for lots of different reasons. They feel bad that they are not the one who has to go to hospital all the time, feel guilty that they have friends and opportunities which their brother or sister may not have or feel uncomfortable about the fact that one day they may go to university or travel and leave a brother or sister behind. Our advice to siblings is that all these feelings are normal but shouldn’t be reasons to limit their lives. They have just as much right to enjoy and lead full and active lives as anybody and they should be encouraged to seize all opportunities whenever they can, even if it feels hard at first.
Appreciation goes a long way
Guilt can be very isolating for siblings as they deal with the pressure of being the child who is expected to fulfil the dreams of their parents. Although this may never be articulated, there can be an unspoken expectation that siblings should behave well, achieve academically, be helpful and cause no trouble as the parent has enough to cope with, meeting the needs of a brother or sister with additional needs. This can lead to huge feelings of guilt for a sibling if they feel that they fail to meet these expectations. Additionally, they may feel guilty for resenting the pressure put upon them when they are not the one who has the additional needs. It can be hugely helpful to a sibling to hear that there is no pressure on them to achieve. To hear that they are appreciated and valued as a person is liberating and can go a long way to alleviating any pressure which they may feel under, even if that pressure is self- imposed.
Embracing neurodiversity
Feeling guilty is very often an integral part of life for parents of siblings and siblings themselves. However, it shouldn’t be used to restrict life - but rather seen as a reason to focus on the many positive opportunities which life has to offer.
SEN Sibling Support Pack
For more advice and tips for parents and siblings of neurodivergent children, download our Sibling Support Pack.